Stepto’s rules of airplane etiquette.

I fly a lot. I hate it, but I do. According to my frequent miles thingie I have taken 16 domestic trips and 15 overseas trips since December of 2005.

I have carefully transcribed a series of etiquette rules for airline travel. Here they are.

1. If you are in the Aisle seat you will, without comment or complaint, always get up for the middle and window people to walk around or go to the bathroom, even if you are napping on the flight. This is because you have the best seat. Deal.

2. If you are in the window or aisle seat, you cede your middle armrest to the person in the middle. They have a shitty seat, and you both get more room than them. Deal.

3. If you are in the middle and the aisle seat is occupied, and the window seat is unclaimed upon take off, you move from the middle to the window to give both passengers more room. You also put your below-seat bag in your new window seat so both passengers can stretch their legs into the middle below-seat slot.

4. If you have a screaming newborn, you will look contrite and apologize. You will not glare offensively at all the passengers as if you have the god-given right to bring a creature less than 18 months old on an airplane where it cannot cope with its ears popping without screaming. I’m sorry your family refuses to come to visit you, you have no right to visit your screaming spawn on the rest of us without apologizing.

5. If you have children more than three but less than six you will give them Benadryl or a suitable mild sedative. Six year olds on a plane are cute. three/Four/five year olds still think they are two, and think screaming will get them their way. Like the newborn, this is not our problem so don’t glare at us like we are the assholes here. You are the asshole. I’m sorry but let’s be clear: you are the asshole.

6. I know, deep down, you think the airline rules are stupid regarding cell phone and computer use during the flight. Hell, I tend to agree. However the reality is that the rules are in place and we all have to deal. So if you whip out your cell while we are trying to get off the runway under the guise of "these stupid people don’t understand electronics, and I do not have to obey their rules", don’t complain if I BEAT YOU WITHIN AN INCH OF YOUR GOD DAMNED LIFE WITH YOUR OWN CELL PHONE for potentially endangering us all.

7. Do not watch porn on the airplane. Hey I’m a big fan of porn. I have no problem with it in general, but like grooming my privates, everything has a time and a place. I don’t care if you have the porn version of an all you can eat Netflix queue. I do not want to look up from my crappy impulse purchase airport bookstore Dean R. Koontz paperback only to see Jenna Chesty Boobs nom nom nom’ing on Peter McPorkSausage’s magical marble sack on your compensating-for-something-else Gateway 20 inch laptop screen one seat ahead of me.

8. On the order of your fourth alcoholic beverage, when the flight attendant says you can’t have any more, if you still persist in ordering one more, I will pipe up from next to you and say "He told me he had a gun in his cocaine pack strapped near his heroin bags!" Know when to say when.

9. Seriously #6, I will punch your ass in the neck over and over again until you put that god damned device away while we land. Do not tempt me.

I personally feel these are simple rules. Can’t we all follow them?

I think we can!

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